So here we are, 40 weeks. A pregnancy milestone most people expect to reach. A milestone some people take for granted. A milestone that for me, feels surreal. One that I thought I’d reach last time, but didn’t.
As I think back on all the weeks of this pregnancy, it blows my mind to think we are finally here.
I think back to the day I found out…
James and I had had a huge fight. One we didn’t think we could come back from. One that saw me sleeping at a friends place for a couple of nights until we’d finally had enough of a break. A break from the confusion, a break from the hurt, a break from the tension, the disconnection and the grief.
It was only 5 months on since losing Link and James and I were struggling. I mean really struggling.
It was me against him. Him against me. I felt completely alone.
I felt alone in my grief, I felt alone in our marriage, I felt alone in our friendship.
At the time I think we were both fighting SO hard to survive as individuals that there was absolutely zero tolerance for anything less than overwhelming nurture and support. Yet because we were fighting so hard to survive on our own, there was absolutely zero chance of that actually happening. How could we nurture and support each other when our cups were the emptiest they’d ever been?
I finally came home and whilst waiting for James to return home from work, I caught myself thinking about my period. It was 2 days late which was not out of the ordinary but my instinct said “take a test”. So I did.
I mean, seeing that positive result was just like… fuck!
I knew he’d be so happy (it was a conscious conception), but what the HELL am I going to do if this shit goes completely pear shaped? At this point I had NO idea how he was feeling. About me, about us, about our future. I knew that when he got home, we were going to have “the talk” and I honestly had no idea how it was going to pan out. I decided that instead of telling him straight away, I would wait to hear what he had to say without the news of another baby clouding his true feelings. I needed to trust that he was still in this, for the right reasons.
Well needless to say, he was and so was I and showing him the positive test immediately after reconciling from the darkest moment in our relationship, was something incredibly special.
I think from that point, when reality really sunk in, we both made such a big effort to shape up. I mean sure, we’ve argued and fought since, but when you really get stuck in that funk, the head fuck is so intense that you really don’t see a way out. I think the trauma and devastation of losing Link tested us more than we actually knew at the time and we thought we were handling it, but looking back we were both so lost, so disconnected. We just lost our way amongst all the chaos and this pregnancy was a sobering reminder of why we were actually made for each in the first place. Why Link actually existed to bring us closer together, not tear us apart.
Since then, it’s been a long (and I mean looonnnnnnng), emotional, beautiful, unknown rollercoaster.
I’ve had daily jabs of Clexane to thin my blood so baby isn’t affected (like they believe Link was) by my MTHFR gene mutation. I’ve had monthly growth scans and lately, weekly midwife appointments.
I’ve overseen (coz, I’m a much better supervisor than I am carpenter!) the completion of our renovations. I’ve managed (still not quite sure how) to run a small business from home and somehow, amongst our busy, crazy lives, James and I have continued to thrive as my body has worked almost silently in the background of it all, to ensure that our second little cub does the same, THRIVE!
Sure, there were times when I didn’t think I could do it. Sure, there were times when I doubted that I could even love another baby. Not compared to Link, I mean at all!!!
And there were times when I didn’t trust that we would make it full term. But we did. I did. It’s here, here we are!
And yes, lately there have been days where I have doubted my ability to birth. Days that I have been so fucking over being pregnant, being bored, being uncomfortable that I have cursed the day for not being “the day”. But honestly, I’m so incredibly grateful that I have even had the CHANCE to make it to this point. This point of frustration. Because now when it is finally “time”, I’m not going to feel unprepared or anxious or nervous, I’m going to feel excited and ready and pumped!
To say that I cannot wait to share him; our second born but first alive Son, with the world is an understatement.
And what ever happens from this point, I trust it will happen exactly as it’s supposed to. Whether he decides to make his entrance spontaneously tonight, or whether he is so late to his own party that I have to be induced, either way, it’s his journey and I trust and support his path wholeheartedly.
One day really soon I’ll hold him in my arms and hear his cries and feel his breath. A day I’ve been waiting for my entire life, so I guess I can wait a little more.