There’s a certain type of love that I think we all crave in this lifetime. A love that mends a broken heart, a love that fills a void. A love that comforts us, a love that feels like home. A love that makes us feel whole, like we’ve found our special place in the world. A love that let’s us breathe. Finally…
In 2016, I found this type of love. I grew, nurtured, protected and fiercely LOVED this love for 8 months.
It was the perfect manifestation of my entire life’s dreams. The dreams I had as a lost little girl, a desperate teenager, a reckless 20 something young Woman. I longed for this love, and for this life, from the deepest depths of my soul for as long as I can remember.
Like all expectant Mothers, I was eagerly anticipating the birth of my baby. Nervous, excited, emotional. ALL the feels.
My last day of work was a Friday. The 11th of Nov, Remembrance Day. I was sooooooo ready to finish. You know them feels right? RIGHT? I was EXHAUSTED. The long days, the heavy traffic. I just wanted to be at home.
I remember waking up on Saturday morning, my first day of maternity leave. I was sooo excited. For the first time, since the dawn of time, I had the one thing that no one ever has… TIME. I couldn’t figure out what I was going to do first. Would I have breakfast? Play with the dogs? SLEEP IN? All of these things at once?! I could do ANYTHING… But, something just didn’t feel right.
With my Husband at the gym, I thought i’d just make a quick call to the midwife. Just to, you know, check in. Just in case.
I felt embarrassed to call. I didn’t want to seem like one of those paranoid Mothers that called at the slightest feeling of discomfort. I’m pretty tough, I can handle more than most, ’I can handle anything’ I thought.
But not this…
Two days later, it was the 14th Nov 2016, I was 35 weeks into my pregnancy & the moon was full.
That night, with the help of the almighty Mother moon’s power, I gave birth to my breathtakingly beautiful, sleeping baby boy, Linik ‘Link’ Allan Grzelak. His heart was still and for a minute, so was mine.
He was placed onto my chest and I couldn’t bare to look down.
I couldn’t face it. I had to deny it until it wasn’t true. It wasn’t real. It COULDN’T be real.
When I finally had the courage to look at him, at my beautiful baby boy, my world as I knew it, my soul as I knew it, EVERYTHING as I knew it, changed, forever…
His pure, innocent beauty and the DEEPLY intoxicating LOVE that I felt in that moment, just, took my breathe away. A moment that can only be described as transcendent, sacred and profoundly heartbreaking. A spiritual awakening, unfolding in slow motion.
It’s funny you know, I was sort of waiting for his presence in this physical realm to fully (and finally) heal me. To make that lost little girl, that lonely teenager, that reckless young woman, whole.
And in those moments when we found out he was gone, I thought I’d lost not only him, but I’d lost my chance at peace. Like I was so close, I nearly made it, but I couldn’t quite get there. I felt like it had slipped through my fingers, like I’d be better off just giving up.
But, as the days unfolded, I realised that I have still found peace. Link still completed my puzzle, I still feel his presence, I still feel his love and he has still made me whole.
I’ve spent the past 4 months trying to figure out who I am, without Link. What is my purpose in life, without my baby? Why was I chosen for this experience? What the fuck is “normal” and will I ever be that again?
I realise now that I don’t have to have it all figured out, I just have to trust the process.
So, I’m getting out of my own way and letting the universe do its thing. And the universe has lead me right HERE…
With the strength that Linik gave me, I took the plunge and started my business, aptly named LINK & Luna.
Throughout the process, I have encountered extreme depths of fear and anxiety so acute that I found myself literally unable to breathe or swallow. I feared judgement, I feared failure, I feared success.
Exposing myself like I have has been TERRIFYING. But not making an impact or a difference, for me, wasn’t an option. I had to make sense of losing Link, I had to find the positive, I had to make him proud. I had to somehow make his existence one that mattered. I was desperate to find the meaning, to create a ‘reason’.
I know my heart will never fully heal, but Linik has given me SO much strength.
My heart is now FULL of gratitude and my home…? Is full to the brim with beautiful, vibrant baskets.
I feel sadness every day. I miss him terribly in every moment, but Link gave me peace after all.
What a soul and what a gift.
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With nothing but LOVE in my heart,
Laura X x