In a past life
(you know, in my early 20’s), I found myself working as a waitress turned travel agent and spent most of my time travelling the world.
I sought adventure and lead a fast paced, exciting life, but after years of living alone with mental illness I knew deep down this was just deflection from what I really craved… belonging.
Fast forward a few years,
after many a failed relationship, I finally met my husband, James. Like all great Australian love stories, ours began at the local pub on a sunny Sunday afternoon. Home we walked, hand in hand and I haven’t looked back since.
Despite it being love at first sight, the early days of our relationship were fraught with many challenges. Emotions were heightened as we unpacked the Mary Poppins sized baggage that I carried throughout my life and the lessons came in thick and fast as we adapted to our new life together. Through all the ups and downs though, our mutual hopes and dreams of having a family kept us on track.
Not even two years after we met, we bought a house, fell pregnant and got married.
A whirlwind? You betcha!
But it was the perfect manifestation of my entire life’s dreams. The dreams I had as a lost little girl, a desperate teenager, a reckless 20 something young Woman. I longed for this love, and for this life, from the deepest depths of my soul, for as long as I could remember.
A husband, a home, a baby. Finally.
Like all expectant Mothers, I was eagerly anticipating the birth of my baby. Nervous, excited, emotional. ALL the feels.
My last day of work was a Friday. The 11th of Nov, Remembrance Day. I was sooooooo ready to finish. You know those feels right? RIGHT? I was EXHAUSTED. The long days, the heavy traffic. I just wanted to be at home.
I remember waking up on Saturday morning, my first day of maternity leave. I was sooo excited. For the first time, since the dawn of time, I had the one thing that no one ever has… TIME. I couldn’t figure out what I was going to do first. Would I have breakfast? Play with the dogs? SLEEP IN? All of these things at once?! I could do ANYTHING…
But, something just didn’t feel right.
With James at the gym, I thought i’d just make a quick call to the midwife. Just to, you know, check in. Just in case.
I felt embarrassed to call. I didn’t want to seem like one of those paranoid Mothers that called at the slightest feeling of discomfort. I’m pretty tough, I can handle more than most, ‘I can handle anything’ I thought.
But not this…
Two days later, it was the 14th Nov 2016, I was 35 weeks into my pregnancy and the moon was full.
That night, with the help of the almighty Mother moon’s power, I gave birth to my breathtakingly beautiful, sleeping baby boy, Linik ‘Link’ Allan Grzelak. His heart was still and for a long minute, so was mine.
He was placed onto my chest and I couldn’t bare to look down.
I couldn’t face it. I had to deny it until it wasn’t true. It wasn’t real. It COULDN’T be real.
When I finally had the courage to look at him, at my beautiful baby boy, my world as I knew it, my soul as I knew it, EVERYTHING as I knew it, changed, forever…
My whole life had lead me to this moment.
His pure, innocent beauty and the deeply intoxicating love that I felt in that moment, just, took my breathe away. A moment that can only be described as transcendent, sacred and profoundly heartbreaking.
A spiritual awakening, unfolding in slow motion.
It’s funny you know, I was sort of waiting for his presence in this physical realm to fully (and finally) heal me. To make that lost little girl, that lonely teenager, that reckless young woman, whole.
And in those moments when we found out he was gone, I thought I’d lost not only him, but I’d lost my chance at peace. Like I was so close, I nearly made it, but I couldn’t quite get there. I felt like it had slipped through my fingers, like I’d be better off just giving up.
I spent the next 4 months trying to figure out who I was, without Link. What was my purpose in life, without my baby? Why was I chosen for this experience?
What the fuck is “normal” and will I ever be that again?
Somehow, even though faced with many many challenges, with the strength that Link gave me, I took the plunge and opened my online store, aptly named LINK & Luna.
Throughout the process, I experienced extreme depths of fear and anxiety so acute that I found myself literally unable to breathe or swallow. I feared judgement, I feared failure, I feared success.
Exposing myself like I have has been, at times, terrifying. But not making an impact or a difference, for me, wasn’t an option. I had to make sense of losing Link, I had to make him proud. I had to somehow make his existence one that mattered.
The products I sold at first did connect to my “why”, but it was actually the connections that I formed with other bereaved mothers through my instagram that really inspired me to keep going. Using my business as a platform to share my story, I have been fortunate enough to form close bonds with other angel mums who I now consider my dear friends and I have been able to use my platform for good, raising awareness for stillbirth and almost $13,000 for Red Nose.
Over the past 2 years, LINK & Luna has evolved from a 2 product store, to a lifestyle brand. And although the heartbeat of my business still continues to tick, my journey has evolved to uncover my true passion… writing.
And so, lauragrzelak.com is born
Now, with my endlessly beautiful, cheeky and eccentric little rainbow baby boy, Finnick Oscar “Finn” in tow, I am re writing my story one day at a time and i’m inviting you along for the ride.
lauragrzelak.com is a platform for inspiration as I share with you my biggest learnings from my personal experience with mental illness, physical health, personal development and business.
A healing space for me in the always evolving quest to unpack that Mary Poppins size bag(gage) of mine. A place where I share the challenges I face in my marriage, the heartache I feel from losing my Son and the lessons i’m learning as I adapt to being not just a mum, but parent.
I’m a #bossmama trying to wear way too many hats, I can never keep up with the housework and i’m exhausted most of the time. And although I’m now living my dream life (albeit humble, imperfect & messy), I’m mainly just a woman trying to find and heal myself.
I’ve always worn my heart on my sleeve and now… it’s on lauragrzelak.com for you.